I am such a work in progress. Aren’t we all?

I shared with you the Thanksgiving drama this year of having been without my cell phone for the entire five day trip to Nashville and how I grew closer to God through that experience. I guess the holidays are His teaching tool for me as of late so here we go again . . .

Ever since my now 47 year old son was born our extended families have gone to my brother’s house to be together over the Christmas vacation days since schools are out and many businesses closed. We would go to his home first in Florida, then Massachusetts, now in Vermont. Over the years children have grown and married, grandchildren have arrived so it’s quite the wonderful opportunity to see as many family members as we can in one place.  This year was no different. Sid and I were spending a couple days in Vermont and having a wonderful time.

Sid monitors our home in Maine remotely through a phone app and on Christmas Eve around 10 PM he was notified our heat was out.  Although we have amazing neighbors it just wasn’t right to disturb them. Unfortunately, we live in a very rural area with no emergency HVAC companies anywhere close by, so for $500 a wonderful man named Ezra was able to drive from a city an hour away from our home and turn our heater back on. So we slept well that night.

Christmas day was festive with children playing and new daughters-in-law recipes to enjoy. Laughing, singing, so fun. Of course at our home in Maine the scene apparently was quite different. Power outages had continued and the cold was in the single digits. Although we have a whole house generator the surge of electricity coming back on can cause our heater to need to be turned on manually. Though highly unlikely it had just occurred this Christmas Eve which was only the second time this had happened in all the 18 years we’ve lived there.

Oh, but the devil ain’t lazy! At 10:48 PM on Christmas night we received a text from Central Maine Power that our power had been restored. We also were without internet so this time Sid was unable to check the temperature in the house.  Do we spend another $500 to have Ezra check our heater? Once again I surely am not going to disturb our neighbors at that time on a holiday. The forecast was for single digit temperatures over night. Did I have faith our house would be okay? Not really. I was just tired and hoped for the best.

Then I awoke the next morning with the worry. We still didn’t know the temperature in the house. I reached out to our neighbor who only confirmed that not only was the temperature single digit but with the wind chill now was below zero. He was away but could check our house in a few hours. What were my honest thoughts?

Blame. Of course Sid should have checked his phone more often and brainstormed with me. (Sorry Sid). Should we call Ezra? Should we bother another neighbor who had just shoveled for us? It’s frigid there. At this point what difference could a few hours make? The damage if it happened is already there. I researched whole house surge protectors (which by the way would not solve the issue for the future). I had that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach – worry. Yes I was praying but it didn’t take away the worry. It just didn’t.

Eventually the internet came on so Sid could see the temperature in the house. As he said,  “The heater came on and the temperature is fine,”  I experienced a huge sense of relief.  At that moment I knew it was yet another lesson I was being taught, another step on the journey toward intimacy with Him, as in the days of my lost phone. Although without words It felt as if God was chastising me through guiding my thoughts . . .

I think I have such strong faith, but do I? I feel each morning so close to God, and He is here, but if I really felt that to my deepest core, why did I worry so much? Clearly, God was not my first go-to! Rather, it was worry and thinking of all the ways I could fix the problem, even into what can we do long term.

There was that instinct to blame. Even if I didn’t say it out loud. It was in my heart. There was also the self determination instinct hard at work to fix the problem. Only when all my efforts and failings were completely exhausted did the obvious presence of God in the midst of the struggle make me see Him.

Only when Sid said the temperature is fine did I feel a sense of well being. Not before. I thought I had stopped worrying but clearly from the relief I felt when he told me I had just been kidding myself. My inner self had been suffering. Had I trusted God I would have stopped worrying from the beginning.

I know that is hard to do, but that is the goal of our journey in this realm. Truly if I had complete faith and trusted completely through prayer I would not have handled this situation as I did. More importantly, I would not have put my heart, soul, and spirit through turmoil when it should have known all along that  all would be fine whether the heat was on or off. God’s got this.

It’s a tricky balance. We have been given free will and have opportunities to make choices needed to handle life’s challenges. The balance being sought, however, is to make those choices always conscious that God’s got this. We are to do our best and then let it go, let God. Even when making our choices we are not to forget that they are within His framework of resolutions and control.

Often those living with chronic pain and health issues affecting themselves or their loved ones have learned this level of trust in God, as have those who have undergone trauma and experienced great suffering. Yet aren’t they the ones who know Him the most intimately, the ones with the strongest faith?

Perhaps I’ve been given a lesson that can be learned through expense and remote devices rather than through true suffering. Perhaps you, too, have been blessed in this merciful way as we are reminded of His Omnipresence. Yet no matter what, I will continue to work on strengthening my faith for I know He’s got us and will always get us through whatever life brings.

Thank you, God, as this new year starts, for the blessing of life and the journey to more deeply know your love.

Shabbat shalom.

Diane