I recently shared with you the scary experiences of worrying about our home in Maine during the long time of below average temperatures while we were with family over the holidays in Massachusetts and Vermont. As we have been preparing for our time in Florida new ideas are being tried of how to protect our home for even a longer time away during these cold winter months.

I really know nothing about this subject and have watched enough YouTube videos on what to do that I now know there’s more to winterizing a house than I could learn in a short tutorial. Although I would have called a neighbor or professional for help, Sid decided he could handle it and he did not ask for my opinion for he felt confident in his decisions. So what do I do about that situation?

There are so many options, too many to share here, including too many good and bad reactions to such situations, ones which affect us but over which we have no control.  Thoughts and reactions race through our minds as we think of how often these types of situations arise.

At this writing Sid and I are at my sister’s house for a few days, the winterizing of our home now a mere memory. It will be what it will be. Today, however, Sid is working on ways to keep us warm on the long drive to Florida without the benefit of our RV central heater. Once again, he is feeling confident, and so, I will trust his judgment. What I didn’t know, however, was that in implementing the plan he would need to borrow something that belonged to my sister, and that he borrowed it without asking.  Somehow both of these scenarios about heating homes, stationary and on wheels, created much angst and stress for me, and so, I sought our Creator’s help.

First, Harry Shepler’s drash last Shabbat puts it all in perspective. His gifted ability to talk about tithing that somehow went way beyond that was anointed. When we remember that we are here to serve, to listen to HaShem and do His bidding which is designed to grow us, nothing else really matters. The consequences of all of the heating decisions just affect things, personal possessions, that can be repaired or replaced or lost. The apostles gave everything up for Him, and that is our model. Harry’s walk of trust in God encouraged me that we can do that too. So I pondered further . . .

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” – a great cliché for this moment. Home and RV heating are not my jams, as they say. Sid’s got this or if not, it’s just money lost.  I kindly say to myself I really don’t know and I let it go. If Sid’s wrong, he’s wrong. My journey of growth is to be kind in my response if he’s wrong which I’ll discuss a little later. Responding this way only worked when I reminded myself per Harry that it’s just things and that God’s purposes for me, and for Sid, will be served by my trusting God, no matter what Sid does and no matter the result. The consequences will just affect cost to make things right or adjustment to earthly expectations. The consequences to our souls and hearts based on our responses are much more important to our purposes for being here.

As I mentioned, Sid’s plan for the RV involved him borrowing something that belonged to my sister and he did so without asking. I was made aware of this failing after the fact. By nature I can easily get drawn into triaging problems between people or often I’m asked my thoughts. Such was the vibe I awoke to this morning between my two loved ones. Although my instinct was to help, I made a conscious decision not to get involved. I actually felt it would be best for each of them on their journeys to figure it out between themselves. Amazingly, that thought brought immediate shalom to me, so it felt like I had made the right decision.

Applicable in a multitude of situations including this one, for the past several months I’ve been practicing a new technique for kind living. If I’m disappointed in something that someone has or has not done, how they’ve done it, whether they should have done it, how it might have affected me or someone else – the list goes on, before I speak I ask myself, “What would be the value added by my saying anything?”. Especially if I’m stressed or upset by the person’s actions, or inactions, the answer almost always is, “Nothing!”.

It’s amazing how this works!

If my saying something will really help the situation, make the result better or less hurtful, I add my thoughts but try to do so kindly. Yet I’ve found that in the vast majority of situations what I was about to say would only have made the person who stumbled feel even worse about himself or herself, just shamed them. In the case at hand, Sid knew he should have asked permission to borrow. Actually, incredible negative value would have resulted if I would have commented, i.e., stated the obvious. Clearly no value added.

If it’s a lapse in the person’s memory, they will not remember it just because you say, “Remember, I told you that on Tuesday or we did that already.” If they did something wrong, especially if you had warned them against doing so, they only feel worse and the actual results of their actions don’t change! There is really no value in my editorial remarks, for these types of mistakes tend to repeat regardless of the commentary. The work needed is between them and HaShem and between God and me too. This approach surely seemed appropriate to the case at hand regarding Sid’s borrowing, to let the two involved work it out between themselves without my two cents worth.

It’s been an eye-opening experience and I am surprised at how often I now say nothing. What’s done is done. Beautifully, the silence sometimes has prompted the toe stubber to resolve the situation more effectively since they can soul search with our Creator less defensively than with me and without unnecessary interference by me. Doing so has also brought me great peace. This course of conduct has fortified my leaning on God, trusting in Him, growing me as well.

These observations bring us to the most important revelation of all the examples – Yes, we have free will and have been given the ability to make choices. We also need to listen to what lane in which we are to be student driving in our relationship with others. God’s the driver. We’re just co-learners with our brothers and sisters. As Harry so beautifully shared, when our eyes are on Him, only on Him, we will be less anxious about the swirl of life that sends us off our given course. We as well as others will be blessed by our silence as we all will be drawn to closer intimacy in our relationship with our Creator.

That doesn’t mean we are uninvolved. Actually, counterintuitively it causes us to be kinder and more able to serve others as we serve Him. Staying in our God directed lane allows us and those around us to learn by our mistakes, and by others’ mistakes, and to give and receive kindness in the face of failures. This ability to prayerfully choose to not act or not speak into a situation is how God provides the peace to us that surpasses all understanding, often despite the results. Conversely, when we are needed, God will let us know.

Such enigmatic peace in the midst of difficult situations is the inexplicable result of living deeply in relationship with our Abba through Yeshua. This discipline allows Him to teach us what we are to learn in each of the challenges, some that to us may even seem monkeys in our circus, and even some that in our limited understanding seem to have potential for disastrous or hurtful results without our input. That is the divine mystery of life in Him, trust in him, service for Him.

We are reminded that it is only He who has the big picture. The circus is God’s and the monkeys are in His control. Thank God!

Shabbat shalom.

Diane