Last week I shared with you a recent contact from a detective regarding my daughter who had left for LA in 2020. Sid and I met with the detective this week, and although not conclusive, as of this writing it is more likely than not that she has gone to be with our Creator.

You know last week I was not prepared for this outcome so I am in a very different place this week emotionally than I was then. The purpose of this message is not to dwell in my inner world of grief and the processing that is just starting, but rather, to share with you thoughts about my daughter and the impact her journey has made on me, and those who knew her, in hopes that doing so will give you a new perspective as well.

AnnaLisa’s life was never easy, from her traumatic birth, throughout her childhood, and into adulthood. Her story, however, is just a variation of all of ours even if it had its own special challenges. Her uniqueness, as with all of us, caused her to be misunderstood, sometimes hard to love, not perfectly built, part of a family of successful overachievers when her gifting was not in the typical areas. The result for her, and for many of us, is to feel unloved and judged, if not by family, by peers and acquaintances.

I always felt that I was her best friend until she was in her thirties. At that time she went off of her anxiety meds and became unable to feel my love. Although her family loved and understood her, she wanted to live her life unfettered by family, to be independent. She had no friends though she tried.  So my heartbreak of loss as her mother is not just learning the crushing reality that she has passed when I thought she was living the life in LA, but also, experiencing the overwhelming sadness I feel of her light, that precious little light, not being able to be seen by others. The amazing person she was is lost to this world.

We are all so flawed, imperfect, yet loved by our Creator. Knowing God loves us helps us to overcome mankind’s rejection. AnnaLisa was not a person of faith, so her life of being misjudged by others was particularly painful to her. I saw that sadness when she lived at home and hung out with mom a lot. I can only imagine how it must have felt to her as a grown woman living alone with opportunities only to be with family. Sadly, she chose not to spend time with those who did love her so much.

Whether you are the lover or the one wanting love, the circle of love that sustains life literally must not be broken. For if it is, those caught in that fracture suffer enormous pain and those causing the fracture miss the opportunity to be enriched by the one needing to be loved.

In your life, you may struggle to feel God’s love, and as a result don’t feel loved by others. Or you may find it hard to love another who has hurt you or who you feel is unlovable for whatever reason. In either/both cases we have opportunities in our lives to take on the challenge of loving the other and to always keep that quest in the forefront of our minds. If we remind ourselves how much God loves us, warts and all, we not only feel loved but we become able to love another despite the obstacles we feel in doing so. The result is light, love, goodness, and the manifestation of His Presence in our lives, for He dwells in and brings to us the ability to love unconditionally. When we look at others with hearts of love we will see their light.

My precious AnnaLisa I believe has come home to be with Him. She is living her best life with Him. In this realm as we share stories of her sweet smile we will feel His Love and the enigmatic circle of love will be complete. This is as it should be.

Shabbat shalom.

Diane