A week before my meeting with the detective about the Jane Doe that may be my daughter AnnaLisa my sister Wendy showed me the trailer for Season 6 of The Chosen. During the intense scene between Mary and Yeshua before His crucifixion, as I watched, I had stabbing pain in my belly which remained for hours afterward. I told Wendy that although I’m an avid fan of the series I wasn’t sure I could actually watch Season 6 when it is released.

Fast forward to the day of my meeting with the detective, and every day since then, these days of unimaginable grief, now sprinkled with times of the ability to be with others and even laugh, though the moments with just my thoughts often bring me back to pain and grief.

I am having my bat mitzvah on October 24^th with my niece and her mom, my sister who lives in Texas. We have been studying Hebrew together for more than three years, meeting faithfully every Monday through Zoom with our dedicated and patient teacher Connie Hayes (endless thank yous, Connie). It’s taken a lot of prayer and processing for me to think about that alongside the tragedy in my life right now, but I’ve come to feel this is the ultimate example of what I believe is our life journeys, managing this reality, for in that irreconcilable place of tension, living in the reality of co-existent joy and sorrow, is where Yeshua dwells. It is He who enables us to fully embrace life in that reality and live robustly in Him.

So . . .

Several months ago I told Sid that for my bat mitzvah I would like a new tallit. I love the one I have with the dancing girls but after 20 some years of wear the silk is finally beyond repair . We have been looking so hard for one called “The Matriarchs” by the same artist for I felt that being a matriarch (in the non grand sense) represented a new status in my life that now resonates for me on this special day of my bat mitzvah. Unfortunately, this tallit is out of stock everywhere! Sid is even in touch with the moshav in Israel where this designer’s tallits are produced and they are seeing if any of the galleries that they sold it to may still have it.

Yet another thought has been on my mind since the meeting with the detective two weeks ago, that of Miriam, the mother of Yeshua. I was reminded of the pain I felt watching that trailer, Miriam’s agony viscerally felt in my body, the time immediately after when coincidentally I had such severe abdominal pain for hours, which I have not had since. Mary/Miriam, the mother of all mothers, in real life knowing of Yeshua’s death surely felt the emotional pain I was now feeling about the loss of my daughter. Perhaps she, too, retained hope for a different end for her Son, as maybe I am doing now as we await the DNA results. It is consoling to me to think of Yeshua’s mother who knew exactly how I am feeling. So I searched, once again, for The Matriarchs tallit.

This time when I searched “The Matriarchs”, “Matriarch” also came up. So many searches until now never showed this one which has one dancer set apart with her tambril (Miriam sister of Moses) leading the other three!! Of course she’s not intended to be Miriam mother of Yeshua, but that’s what delights me!!! Nothing gives me more joy on this subject than finding mainstream Judaica items with double meanings! The hidden meanings. I will credit finding this tallit to amazing answered prayer by my soul sister Chaya after we talked and prayed. Now we just have to pray that this one will be in stock which as of this writing is not happening either, so please pray. The devil ain’t lazy!

The description of the item states, “In Jewish tradition, Miriam’s drum represents women’s spiritual leadership, active faith, and resilient joy. Midrashic legend even teaches that righteous women of Israel trusted so strongly in God’s redemption that they packed frame drums into the desert before leaving Egypt”.

Perhaps in a way not to be understood in this realm the stabbing pain as I watched The Chosen trailer portraying Miriam’s grief for the son she was about to lose was a preparation for me of horrific news I was about to receive. Perhaps the name Miriam as intended in the tallit is one of those hidden messages giving us a peek at the unknowable divine and its interaction with this realm. The resilient joy mentioned in the tallit’s description is exactly what I need to be able to celebrate my bat mitzvah despite the loss of my daughter.

When I shared these thoughts on Tuesday with my sister Wendy, she was overwhelmed too, for on that very day “coincidentally” the Catholic Church was observing Mary’s birth! These are the God Winks I love which let me know my ponderings are on the right track, that He’s here with me.

Whatever the earthly intended meanings, I know when I wear that tallit what it will mean to me. The Miriam in that depiction will remind me not of just the one who so joyously led us in song and dance after captivity, but also, blessed Mary/Miriam the mother of our Savior. So much coming together of all that we are to learn, the mystical wearing away of the mankind created wall that historically has separated our Jewish brothers and sisters from embracing Yeshua, or honoring his Jewish mother, how that wall is in these days becoming a thin veil moving ever closer to be lifted for all. It is to assist in the lifting of that veil that is our service to our Creator as Messianic Jews.

As we enter these Holy Days, this year for me holy beyond words, I invite you more deeply than ever before to enter in as well, perhaps in a way you have never before but may now be drawn. Some of us may be more emotionally seeking His Presence for personal reasons, but all of us may be recognizing these are not just typical times, but rather, the Days of Awe in the end of days.

Whenever the final end will be we are to have resilient joy as we live each blessed day given to us here and now, days of sorrow and joy. For as God delivered us from Egypt to the sound of Miriam’s joyous tof, we know in Him we are redeemed. We are in His care.

Shabbat shalom and L’Shanah Tovah

Diane